forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Someone came in the potted fern
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
