Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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