I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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