I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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