You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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