It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
