Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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