i think i have two assholes
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
