You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
