I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
