Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
