My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize