you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
