I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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