Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
