He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
