I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It was confusing and full of hummus
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Randomize
