I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
