I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize