....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
