Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
