nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
