I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
