you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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