Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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