I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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