so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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