Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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