I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
