his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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