There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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