Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
