my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
