I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
