if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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