If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
