Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
