I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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