if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
