I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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