I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
