My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
