Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
