Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
