I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He told me they were just razor bumps!
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
did i just pee glitter
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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