if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Randomize
