why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
