Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize