I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
