Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize