just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
