That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
