so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
