for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize