I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
