they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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