woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
