i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
