can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
