Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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