On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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