We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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