I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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