I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
